Very Taxing

April 15, 2008

FYI, Here are the coaching expenses my accountant considered either “excessive” or not necessarily “essential” enough to deduct. For the record, I do not agree, but I am deferring to her expertise.

Coffee:  $75,432.21
Donuts:  $1,643.07
Mittens:  $928.53
Long Johns Composed of Hi-Tech Fibers:  $4,631.82
Scarves in Every Color of the Rainbow and   Some Colors that Haven’t Been Officially Inducted:  $22,967.58
Deep Tissue Massages:  $43,722.71
Psychoanalysis to Examine Long-held Guilt Regarding  Donuts:  $35,226.68
Speech Therapy to Rehabilitate Vocal Chords Damaged by Instructing Skaters over Loud Rink Music:  $19,863.53
Cosmetic Surgery and Botox for Deformed Feet:  $14,649.99
Special Eyeglasses Designed to Decrease Glare from Rink Florescent Lights:  $4,555.62
Office Supplies Decorated with Polka Dots Including Travel  Expenses Across Country to Track Them Down:  $12,761.74
Movie-Going for Music Research Including Popcorn with Extra “Butter” for Nourishment:  $52,433.88

FYI, here are the expenses my accountant considered to be perfectly valid:

Gas Mileage from Rink to Rink:   $4,655,627.41
Weekly Skating Blog:   $0.00

I have developed sudden-onset carpal tunnel syndrome from writing my check to the Internal Revenue Service, but as soon as this clears up, I will get to work on the next CSOM installment, which will be about Kristi’s dancing skills, or Sasha’s flexibility, or something else of skating significance.

                                                                 ***

Incidentally, this winter I was compelled to write a memo to my older brother. Read a copy of it by clicking on Cusp of Greatness in the column over to the right.

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15 Responses to “Very Taxing”

  1. Ice Mom Says:

    My accountant wouldn’t accept Swarovski heat-set crystals as an investment. I think accountants get cranky at this time of year.

  2. abclarke Says:

    That’s so cruel! However, you may want to take a look at your coffee habit. I believe that less than $80,000 a year on coffee may lead to dangerously low levels of caffeine in the blood stream.

  3. Jenn Says:

    What about hot soup? In my opinion, that’s pretty essential.

  4. Jerry L Says:

    This installment is funny. I pondered a similar deduction last year for vocal chords. Except mine was throat losenges, 17,000. This year I bought a bullhorn. The other coaches are somewhat annoyed but my throat has improved considerably.

  5. Spicedaddy Says:

    Hysterical. Thanks so much for posting this, otherwise I would have forgotten to file my six-month extension with the IRS today. (I can’t ever get my act together to actually file by 4/15, which is always when Adult Nationals are, for us freak adult skaters. File taxes or practice my program for the 8 billionth time? Definitely practice the program.)

    Donuts, extra butter…..how on EARTH do you stay so skinny? Must be all those early morning choctaw demonstrations.

  6. enthusiasticadultskater Says:

    This brought to mind: As “employers” of the coaches, don’t WE get any write-offs? Sadly, my accountant just said NO so we filed an extension while I think of something else.

  7. lori lee Says:

    and TISSUES….you forgot tissues! And I’m not talking about the cheap Harmon discount drug variety…it HAS to be extra plush with the aloe and lotion built in for sure.

  8. J. Walker Says:

    The taxman cometh no matter what we do or don’t do. When we are born we are named a write off. After that it’s pay, pay, pay. We Americans are a happy group so we’ll greet him next year with the same enthusiasm.

  9. pat Says:

    You continue to impress. Keep up the good work with this site. You gotta laugh to keep from crying.

  10. Dopey Says:

    I owe, I owe, it’s off to work I go.

  11. Martina Says:

    Seeing the numbers hurt and made me laugh out loud. As for coffee…without which we would all be in a zen like state. Ouch!!

  12. sony Says:

    the whole list is just hysterical!!!

  13. Malinda Says:

    Even marrying a CPA doesn’t get you any tax breaks. Several loud bursts of laughter closely resembling what I imagine to be a guffaw was his reaction when I asked why I couldn’t write essential items like Lysol, purple smiley face pens, and migraine medication for my classroom. Sheesh!

  14. handsome_devil Says:

    4.5 million on gas mileage: That sound a bit low. You should have padded that a little bit.

  15. BA Says:

    Very cute list there Joc. I cannot believe your accountant rejected some of those. At least the mittens seemed totally reasonable!

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