I’m not saying I don’t love the skating students I currently have. In fact, I already work with a lot of talented, nice, and interesting characters. But, in life, you must dare to dream. So, as part of my New Years resolution, I vowed to take my coaching career to the next level. I’m going to reach for the stars. I want athletes who can go the distance, who climb podiums around the world and win medals. I want to hug them in the kiss and cry. I want to get interviewed about my prodigies after they perform. I want to conduct press conferences while wearing a mink coat!
In order for all of this to happen, I am going to have to identify potential and talent then go after it. This is why I have put together a list of dream skaters. Of course, it’s un-cool and unethical to solicit students from other coaches, but I’m pretty sure no one on this list has a coach yet (otherwise, please let me know). With one exception, I’m not even sure if they’ve ever been on the ice. No matter, I’m going to start them off right and help them skyrocket straight to the top.
It’s a new year and time to shine. So without further delay, I present my list of dream students. (And don’t you dare get any ideas of trying to recruit them for your own.)
Kermit the Frog: Granted, I’ve never actually seen him hop, but I gotta believe he has some good spring in those little legs. Come to think of it…I’m pretty sure I saw him run once, in his role as a journalist. Maybe he seems somewhat uncoordinated and awkward, yet he has such a positive attitude. And what about those puppet strings? They’re barely visible, but they’d serve as a constant harness! If we can figure out how to keep those strings untangled, I predict triples within a few months. Maybe even a few minutes.
Lisa Simpson: Due to her dedication to the saxophone, she already has a great feel for music. If she could apply this same focus to skating, I have no doubt she could scale the ranks very quickly. Can’t you just imagine her lining up by the rink door at Regionals? She should probably get a sweater to wear over that strapless dress of hers, maybe a wraparound or a sparkly fleece. Of course, Homer would be clueless, but most dads are, right? And Marge would help her get the job done.
Charlie Brown: According to his Christmas Special, we know he can pond skate. Of course, he took a pretty nasty fall, including a belly flop, a spin-out and an unfortunate crash into a tree, but that was only because Snoopy flung him into the air. Let’s look on the bright side: thanks to this, and all those times he’s fallen attempting to kick the football when Lucy pulled it out from under him, we know he’s prepared for all the spills an aspiring skater takes on the ice. We’re probably going to have to enlist a sports psychologist for this one, though. The fact that he’s an analytical type means he’s capable of thinking through every aspect of the sport, yet I suspect, for this same reason that he might be an over-thinker…Really, something’s got to give for this guy! I believe that, under the right tutelage, skating could be a huge boon to his confidence. And even though I don’t usually condone this, I’d recommend that he quit school, since nobody can understand what his teachers are saying, anyway. Furthermore, I’m thinking we could snazzy up the zigzag on his yellow shirt with some black sequins…and commission Shroeder to compose some perfect music.
Big Bird: Well, his limbs are a little long and his middle a bit thick, but height is good for ice dance and we’re always in need of new male partners. You know how people are always saying that the constant movement of skating skirts makes skaters look like they’re moving faster? Just imagine how all his feathers would fly!
The Tazmanian Devil: This guy is a natural spinner and he’s already a master of twizzles. For jumps, we’d just have to focus on his lift-off. And we might have to work on getting him a little lighter on his feet, so he doesn’t tear up the ice. In competitions, he’d have to skate last or the zamboni would have to come out and clean up after him (or perhaps they’d have to rebuild the rink…)
Betty Boop: She’s cute, she’s sexy, and she has already demonstrated a great deal of balance in those stilettos. I’m thinking she and Big Bird would make a stellar ice dance couple.
Papa Smurf: Two words…Adult Nationals. Another two words…Club President. Enough said.
I’m intrigued by both Dora and SpongeBob – they might have potential, I’m just not as familiar with them. I do hear that Dora already has a pretty lucrative career as an explorer. And I’m not sure about Spongebob’s rather square-ish body type. He’d certainly come in handy when the ice is wet, though.
Who did I miss? Who are you gunning for? Click on comments below. 🙂
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